I molested 6 butterflies tonight
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
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