So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i would punch a child for taco bell
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
Randomize