Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I am still worried she'll have a seizure durring. What would I do? Try to ride it out and finish, or pull out and assist?
Randomize
