Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
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