Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
