dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Also, beer. Big fan.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
