separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
