He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
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