I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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