Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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