I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Randomize
