Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
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