I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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