Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
