i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
You came over, called every girl Comrade Heather, and then declared that you were an Eagle, and we were your young.
So all in all, a good night.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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