I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
