I'm lost and stupid without you.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
Randomize
