Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
Randomize
