you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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