Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
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just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
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This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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