sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
