if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
