Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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