I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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