Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
Randomize
