I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days
Are you goin to rehab again?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
