Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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