I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I just met the neighbor hes a self proclaimed coke dealer/ softporn producer.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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