So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
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