I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
