alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
Day drinking straight vodka out of a Mountain Dew can being towed behind a kayak on a raft. And no, there is no time difference, it really is 10 am.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
