god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
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Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
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And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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