dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.