dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Randomize
