i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Randomize
