WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
