I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
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