just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
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