having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
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