His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Randomize
