her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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