She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
Randomize
