he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
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