Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
We christened the whole apartment and fucked on the balcony. It was amazing. I'm 100% sure downtown heard me climax. Now we can unpack.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
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