so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
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