i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
