1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Randomize
