I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Lowest moment of my life just occurred. I literally threw up all over myself in front of my parents.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
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