when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
