apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
Agreed. That's like a marriage. For better or worse, till death do us part. I will hold your head over a toilet
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
Randomize
