Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Randomize
