I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
I stole a fireplace last night.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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