The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Randomize
