Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
