Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
