Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
