oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He's nice and all but I think I rather masturbate my way to happiness instead.
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
